You come first.

You come first.

You can only truly connect to others when connected to yourself. You can’t give from an empty cup. You need to learn to love, honour and cherish yourself first, you are your main relationship.
It is surprisingly not that easy, as with every judgement, rejection, belittlement we get, our self-love and self-esteem shrink, of cause if we did not work on our emotional resilience, ability to restore fast.
On top of that we live in the culture of greed and comparison, receiving constant messages from family, friends and media of how we are not as pure, strong, beautiful, intelligent or successful as somebody else.
In Tantra we believe everything is divine, and so are you. Accepting and loving yourself just as you are, without self-criticism, judgement and comparison is a powerful and brave act, because you not only expand your capacity for love to others, you also learn to be true to self, free from what others think of you and living by your own rules and standards, and this sets you free.
If you don’t know or like yourself you rely on your partner to guess what you want and to make you happy. This creates co-dependant relationship where nobody is truly happy or satisfied.
Get to know, accept and love yourself first. What do you like? What do you not like? What are your deepest fantasies, desires and peculiarities? What are you fears and triggers? How do you like to be pleasured? Where are your boundaries and standards?
And as you get to know yourself, treat yourself like a royalty. What do you need to fill in your cup? What do you enjoy most? Can you do it for yourself? Can you allow more fun, pleasure and joy in your life?
Tip: Conscious self-love (not self-loathing) is sexy. Some of the most attractive qualities reported by majority, confidence and aliveness, stem from self-love and self-care. So, if you feel good about yourself, sexy and enjoying your life, you are more attractive and desirable to others.

Practice: pleasure mapping

In our busy lives we get disconnected from our bodies, stuck on an autopilot, loosing sensitivity and ability to hold pleasure. In Tantra, self-pleasure is about getting to know yourself and getting comfortable with yourself, your fears and desires, it is about inner power, releasing shame, healing and liberation.
On a spiritual level, we are learning to master and raise our energy and vibrations by harnessing our pleasure through the Tantric methods and practices. Here is one for you.
Set 20-40 minutes aside, create a comfortable space and put your favourite music on.
Extra points, if you make the space really beautiful, e.g. by adding flowers and candles.
  • Set intention to explore your body like a map, with love, curiosity and acceptance, without any analysis or judgement.
  • See yourself as a divine being or a royalty, send all your body some appreciation for the great work it is doing for you every day.
  • Start stroking gently every part of your body, your head, face, neck, shoulders, hands, arms, chest, belly, lower back, genitals, thighs, hips, legs, feet… go as slow as you can, don’t miss any part and notice any pleasure, discomfort, emotional or sensory change. Welcome all with love, curiosity and acceptance.
  • When feel complete, send some more appreciation to your amazing body.
Tip: once you have done it yourself, experiment with a partner, it’s fun and you may learn a lot about each other.

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A man with arms outstretched expressing joy.